You’ve just ended a relationship. The tears have dried (mostly), the arguments have stopped, and one of you says the dreaded line: “Let’s stay friends.”
It sounds mature. Civil. Modern.
A few say once the bonds have been formed for romance and emotional attachment, keeping a friendship from lingering is just about impossible. Others think, with time and emotional maturity, exes can develop a fulfilling friendship.
But after watching hundreds of people go through the cycle, and after digging into the actual research, we can say with confidence: in the vast majority of cases, “let’s stay friends” is not kindness — it’s a trap.
In this post, we are going to highlight how staying friends with your ex can be your biggest mistake, as it could cost your married life.
1. It Stops You From Healing (And Healing Is Non-Negotiable)
Breakups hurt because they’re supposed to. That pain is your brain’s way of forcing you to detach.
But when you keep texting, liking stories, grabbing coffee, or “checking in,” you never allow the wound to close. You keep picking at the scab.
A 2020 study published in Personal Relationships found that people who remained in contact with their ex experienced significantly slower emotional recovery. Another study from the University of Kansas (Griffith et al., 2017) showed that the more romantic desire still existed (even secretly), the lower the quality of the so-called “friendship” became.
In plain language: every “just friends” interaction is like pressing pause on your healing. You stay in limbo — half in, half out — for months or even years.
I’ve seen people who broke up in 2022 still sending each other birthday messages in 2026, still single, still comparing every new date to “what we had.” That’s not friendship. That’s emotional imprisonment.
2. It Keeps Romantic Feelings Alive (Even When You Swear They’re Gone)
Here’s what the research repeatedly shows: the #1 reason people stay “friends” with an ex is unresolved romantic desire — even if they won’t admit it to themselves.
The same 2017 study identified four main motives for post-breakup friendships:
- Security (emotional support)
- Practicality (shared friends, work, kids)
- Civility (being polite)
- Unresolved romantic desires
Only the first three sometimes lead to healthy outcomes. The fourth? Almost always negative.
When one person (or both) still harbours even a flicker of hope, the “friendship” becomes a slow emotional torture device. You celebrate their new job, but feel sick when they mention a date. You send memes, but lie awake wondering if they still think about you at night. You tell yourself, “I’m over it,” yet every interaction restarts the heartbreak clock.
A 2025 study in Personality and Individual Differences even linked certain “dark triad” traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy) to staying friends for selfish reasons — access to sex, money, social status, or ego boosts. Not exactly the foundation of a pure friendship.
Also Read: Your Ex-Girlfriend Wants to Be Friends – What Does it Mean?
3. It Poisons Your Next Relationship Before It Even Starts
Imagine this: You meet someone new. They’re kind, attractive, and emotionally available. Everything feels promising.
Then they find out you’re “best friends” with your ex.
For many people, that’s an instant red flag.
A 2022 YouGov poll found that 37% of people stay in some contact with at least one ex, but new partners are rarely thrilled about it. And with good reason.
Your new person deserves your full emotional availability. They shouldn’t have to compete with someone who still has your old inside jokes, knows your family, and can text you at 2 a.m. “just to talk.”
I’ve counselled countless couples where one partner’s close friendship with an ex created constant insecurity, arguments, and eventual breakups. The new partner isn’t “jealous” or “insecure” — they’re reacting to a very real boundary violation.
Staying friends with your ex is like keeping an ex’s toothbrush in your bathroom. It sends a clear message: “I’m not fully closed for business.”
4. It Creates a Never-Ending Emotional Rollercoaster
One week you’re fine. The next, they post a photo with someone new and you spiral.
You convince yourself you’re “mature” for staying friends, yet you check their WhatsApp last seen at midnight. You celebrate their wins while quietly dying inside.
This push-pull is exhausting. It keeps your nervous system in fight-or-flight mode. Research from 2020 showed that frequent in-person contact with an ex after separation was linked to higher psychological distress, especially for people without children.
You deserve peace. Not a friendship that feels like emotional Russian roulette.
5. It Blocks Real Growth and Self-Discovery
The months after a breakup are sacred. They’re when you figure out who you are without that person. When you rebuild your identity, your routines, and your confidence.
But when your ex is still in your life — even casually — you never fully step into the new version of yourself. You stay “the person they knew.” You soften your edges. You avoid places or hobbies that might upset them. You keep one foot in the past.
The people who make the biggest personal leaps after a breakup are almost always the ones who go no-contact (or very low-contact) and focus entirely on themselves.
When Can Friendship Work?
Despite the challenges, many former lovers successfully become good friends. The key elements that contribute to a successful transition include:
Mutual Closure – If both individuals have fully processed their breakup and accepted it, they are more likely to form a healthy friendship without lingering emotional baggage.
Clear Boundaries – Establishing clear boundaries regarding communication, emotional support, and physical interactions can help maintain a respectful and non-complicated friendship.
Genuine Intentions – Friendship should not be used as a means to stay connected in hopes of rekindling romance. Both individuals must genuinely prioritise the friendship for what it is.
Respect for New Relationships – Understanding how their dynamic affects new partners and ensuring that the friendship does not interfere with future relationships is crucial.
Time and Growth – Allowing sufficient time for personal growth and emotional independence before attempting a friendship can lead to a more successful and stable platonic bond.
How to Actually Move On (The Hard But Right Way)
- Go no-contact (or minimal contact if you must). Block or mute on social media for at least 60–90 days.
- Feel the feelings. Cry, journal, scream into a pillow. Don’t numb them with “friendly” chats.
- Lean on real friends — the ones who never dated you.
- Date yourself. Gym, hobbies, travel, therapy. Become the person your future partner will be lucky to meet.
- When (and only when) you can think about your ex with genuine neutrality — no butterflies, no bitterness, no “what if” — then you can reassess low-level contact.
Conclusion
Staying friends with your ex is rarely about maturity. It’s usually about fear — fear of losing them completely, fear of being alone, fear of facing the pain.
But real maturity looks like this: “I loved you. I learned from you. Now I’m choosing to set us both free so we can both find what we truly need.”
Letting go isn’t losing them twice. It’s giving both of you a chance at real happiness — possibly with someone else, possibly with a healthier version of each other years later (though that rarely happens when you force the friendship).
The key to success lies in honest communication, self-awareness, and a genuine desire to sustain a friendship without hidden romantic agendas. If both individuals can embrace their past while focusing on a new dynamic, a meaningful and respectful friendship can indeed be possible.
