Love and Relationships Tips for Strong Relationships

The Balance Between Love and Freedom

Love and Freedom

Love is not an exclusive relationship; love is a quality and depth of being. Our outer relationships are a mirror of our essential inner relationship with ourselves.

Relationships are a balance, a development and a dance between our male and female qualities. All people seek love, joy and harmony in their way. We all want to be loved for who we are.

We all want to be acknowledged and accepted for our unique individual. The relationship problem arises when we seek our centre, our own source of love, in another person. We seek a source of love outside of ourselves.

The problem in relationships is that the other person also seeks after his own centre, his own source of love, in the other person. In this way, both persons will soon feel disappointed and cheated because of their expectations of the other person. It is first when we let go of the idea and expect that the other person will give us the love we do not have inside ourselves that the base for a loving, satisfying and meaningful relationship is possible.

It is first when the relationship becomes a giving of love, instead of taking of love, that the relationship becomes nourishing and satisfying. As long as we look for the source of love outside of ourselves, we will eventually become disappointed and disillusioned.

When we can relate to our inner being, our inner center, and our inner source of love and truth, relationships become loving, creative, and satisfying. It is first when we discover the source of love within ourselves, which is our true nature, that we can become delighted.

As long as we need another person to cover up our inner feeling of emptiness, to cover up our inner darkness and loneliness, the relationship will sooner or later end up in disappointment, frustration and disillusioned expectations. It is first when we no longer need the other person to fill the inner emptiness that we consciously can relate from our inner being, from the authentic self, from our overflowing inner source of love.

When relationships are based on the expectation that a partner should fill our inner emptiness, it is like offering an empty cup to our partnership with the expectation that the partner should fill our empty cup – instead of overflowing from our inner being and filling our cup from within ourselves.

The difference between acting out of our inner being, from our inner source of love, and acting out of our inner emptiness, is like acting out of light and darkness. As a therapist and a course leader, I have noticed how much of my professional life has been a way to fill my inner emptiness and receive love, acknowledgement, and acceptance.

I notice what a difference it is to be in contact with another person from a desire to get love from the other person or to be in touch with another person without any desire to receive anything from the other person.

When I can rest in my own inner source of love, it creates joy and relaxation in me. It also gives me the freedom to give others the space to be who they are in the moment. I have also learnt not to act when I am not in the light. I have learnt to wait to work until I am in the morning again. I have noticed that when I can be in contact with myself – instead of reacting automatically and searching for love outside of myself – I can witness my inner feeling of emptiness, my own need for love from without myself.

This awareness changes my need to look for love outside of myself, and it makes my inner source of love begin to flow from within myself. Understanding and acceptance allow me to be with myself and witness my feeling of wanting love without myself. It is like being with this feeling and embracing it like a mother embraces her child. This awareness and acceptance make me come back to my own centre instead of seeking the source of love without myself.

I also notice that the more I can accept both when I am in the light and in the dark, the more this awareness and acceptance makes more light than dark moments arise.

A key to relationships is knowing when it is time to hold on and when it is time to let go. The criteria are the degree of joy and satisfaction that the relationship creates. If there is love and truth in the relationship, life will sustain the relationship by itself. The relationship will change if there is no love and truth.

Expectations are the fundamental problem in relationships. Expectations are ideas of who I should be, how my partner should be and how the connection should be. We become disappointed when the relationship does not fit our preconceived notions and expectations.

When I told a beautiful woman I had a relationship with that I loved her for the first time, she did not answer that she also loved me. Instead, she was silent for a long time and said: “You are courageous to say that!” Her truth was that she was not ripe at that moment to say that she also loved me. At that moment, she was not mature to make the commitment that was meant to speak to another human being that “I love you.” I did not expect that she should say that she also loved me.

For me, it was giving without expecting anything in return. For me, it was a way to overflow from my inner source of love and truth. Instead of asking if she loves me, it is more creative to ask myself if I love her. It is a sharing of my love – and then it is up to the other person what they want to do with it. They do not have to do anything with it either.

Difference between the love pole and the freedom pole in relationships

Relationships are a balance between love and freedom, where often, one partner chooses the freedom pole and the other partner chooses the love pole.

The freedom pole means that the partner chooses his freedom, independence and individuality before the relationship.

The love pole means that the partner chooses to love, be together, and the relationship. It is like the image that one partner is always trying to run away from the relationship while the other partner is running after. Earlier I have almost always chosen the freedom pole in relationships. Still, in one of my latest relationships, I found myself in the love pole as she continuously chose her own freedom and independence before the relationship. It did not bother me as I loved her, and it was also a valuable meditation. But I could also see that if the connection should be alive and developed, both partners need to have an essential commitment to the relationship.

Both partners need to love each other so that these two poles do not become a mechanical way of reacting. If there is love and truth in the relationship, life will sustain the relationship by itself. The relationship will change if there is no love and truth.

By learning to both be alone with ourselves and relate in love with other people, we can easier appreciate and accept when life offers us periods of love and aloneness. It also makes it easier to see when it is authentic to be alone with ourselves and when it is authentic to relate to other people. Some people cling to relationships to avoid meeting their aloneness.

Other people choose aloneness, so they do not have to relate with others and risk being hurt or betrayed. Learning to be alone with ourselves and relate with other people gives us new freedom to connect to life. It gives us new joy and freedom in both being happy and satisfied in our aloneness and in relating with people in fun, acceptance, trust, friendship, humour, playfulness, understanding, compassion, silence, sincerity, freedom and a sense of oneness in love.

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