In a relationship, real love manifests in actions, emotional depth, and mutual respect. However, there are times when people pretend to be in love for convenience, security, or other reasons. People may pretend to be in love out of fear of being alone, economic gain, or unavailability. Identifying these early on will save people from the pain of heartbreak.
This article outlines 9 signs she’s not truly invested and she does not love you. Each sign includes explanations, examples, and red flags to watch for.
1. Inconsistent Affection and Attention
Real love is consistent, not unpredictable. If her love life is all over the place—exuberant one day, cold the next—this is a sign of deception. She may be complimenting you when things are going well, but not responding to texts or calls when she’s not interested.
For example, she may only ask you out when she’s bored or needs something from you, such as running errands. She may also frequently cancel plans without apology and change her mood about how much intimacy she wants. This will lead to a breakdown of trust. Research studies by relationship researchers, such as those conducted by John Gottman, have found that small, consistent behaviours are what create love, while inconsistency is a sign of distance.
2. Avoids Deep Conversations About the Future
Couples in love talk about long-term goals easily: vacations, moving in, and marriage. When she avoids conversations about such topics or steers the conversation in a different direction, she is probably not serious. Fake love does not involve risk; she may say “let’s see” with a hint of uncertainty or sidestep with humour.
Examples: When you bring up having kids or changing jobs, she says, “That’s too far ahead”, or simply remains silent. This shows that she is only in it for the short term, maybe for fun or help, but not for love. Psychologists say that people in fake love use avoidance as a defence mechanism. See if she travels alone or makes important decisions without consulting you; this shows that you are not in her long-term plans.
3. Lacks Genuine Interest in Your Life
True love involves curiosity about your day, dreams, and struggles. If she rarely asks about your work, hobbies, or feelings, pretending is likely. She might nod along but forget details or interrupt with her stories.
For example, you share a promotion; she responds minimally, then shifts to her issues. This self-centeredness shows you’re a sounding board, not a partner. Research from attachment theory (e.g., Bowlby’s studies) highlights mutual interest as key to secure bonds. If she doesn’t remember important dates or preferences, like your favourite food, it’s telling. Sneaky aspect: She fakes interest in public for appearances but disengages privately.
4. Frequent Criticism or Nitpicking
Constructive feedback differs from constant belittling. If she criticises your appearance, choices, or habits excessively, it could indicate resentment or lack of respect—hallmarks of fake love. Pretenders attempt to maintain control or justify detachment.
Example: She mocks your outfit choices or questions your friends, making you doubt yourself. This erodes self-esteem, keeping you invested while she pulls away. Relationship experts like Esther Perel note criticism as one of the “four horsemen” predicting a breakup. If praise is rare but faults are highlighted, reassess. Sneaky sign: It’s wrapped in “jokes” or “concern,” like “I’m just helping you improve.”
Over time, this creates an imbalance; you chase approval, she withholds. Genuine love uplifts, not diminishes.
5. Secretive Behaviour and Hidden Communications
Transparency builds trust; secrecy erodes it. If she’s overly protective of her phone, hides social media, or has unexplained absences, she might be pretending while exploring options.
Clues: Password changes without reason, or she angles her screen away. This suggests parallel interests or emotional affairs. Studies from infidelity research (e.g., Journal of Marriage and Family) link secrecy to dissatisfaction. If questions about her day yield vague answers like “nothing much,” probe deeper. Sneaky element: She accuses you of jealousy to deflect suspicion.
6. Physical Intimacy Feels Obligatory, Not Passionate
Intimacy in love is mutual and enthusiastic. If it feels routine or one-sided—she participates minimally or avoids it—pretending is possible. She might use it as a tool for retention without an emotional connection.
Example: Kisses lack warmth, or she initiates only after arguments to “make up.” This transactional approach indicates using physicality to maintain the status quo. Sex therapists like those citing Masters and Johnson emphasise passion’s role in bonding. If she rejects advances frequently with excuses, it’s a red flag. Sneaky sign: Affection surges when she wants something, like gifts.
Further, emotional disconnection during intimacy, like avoiding eye contact, underscores insincerity.
Also Read: How to Turn an Unhealthy Relationship Into a Healthy One
7. Doesn’t Integrate You Into Her Social Circle
A healthy relationship requires compromise and sacrifice from both partners. If your girlfriend displays a willingness to find common ground and make compromises when necessary, it signifies her commitment to the relationship’s growth and harmony. Recognising that love often involves putting the relationship’s needs above individual desires is a sign of emotional maturity.
Collaborating to find mutually satisfying resolutions when conflicts arise showcases a shared commitment to nurturing your bond. If your girlfriend is ready to make sacrifices, prioritising the relationship’s well-being is a strong testament to her love and devotion.
8. Consistency in Actions and Words
Loved ones introduce partners to friends and family. If she keeps you separate— no group hangouts or family events—she’s likely not serious. This compartmentalisation allows easy exit without fallout.
Real indicator: Excuses like “They’re busy” or “It’s not the right time.” This shows you’re temporary. Social psychology research (e.g., on social networks) stresses integration for relationship longevity. If her social media hides your presence, it’s sneaky. She might portray single life online while claiming commitment privately. Over time, isolation breeds doubt; genuine love merges worlds.
9. Emotional Unavailability During Tough Times
Support defines love. If she withdraws during your crises—illness, job loss—offering minimal comfort, pretence is evident. Pretenders avoid emotional labour.
Example: You face stress; she dismisses it with “You’ll be fine” without help. This lack of empathy signals self-interest. Emotional intelligence studies (Goleman) link availability to strong bonds. Sneaky aspect: She expects your support but doesn’t reciprocate, creatingan imbalance. Further, if she prioritises her minor issues over your major ones, it’s telling. True partners weather storms together.
Conclusion
In summary, these signs— inconsistency, avoidance, disinterest, criticism, secrecy, obligatory intimacy, isolation, unavailability, and motives—reveal pretended love. Spotting them requires self-reflection. If patterns persist, communicate openly or consider ending it. Healthy relationships thrive on authenticity; don’t settle for less. Seeking therapy or friends’ advice helps clarify.
